Art I Like Yes, Jessica Diamond. Yes, Bruce Nauman. Yes, any excuse to mention the great man's name. Lily van der Stokker, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Do I get stuck into the art career parties? Sue Williams, I can't say I am a lover of that stuff. It's just such total fucking crap. Georgina Starr, she's got an absence of ambition, a lot of theories, and a lot of gas. I saw it in the magazine. Bill Viola, it's showtime, family what a thrill! Konrad Klapheck likes a good show, too. Thumbs up to no good. Richard Prince, I went to a psychiatrist, he said, "Tell me everything," I did, and now he's no good. Bob Flanagan, that video where he wrapped pesticides around his dick on a stick—what a delight! Mariko Mori, she's the balance of space-age outfits hanging out on the Tokyo tube. Donald Judd, he didn't like me, but one thing he did like was Dan Flavin. He saved some Christmas tree lights as a kid, and there was no looking back. Felix Gonzalez-Torres followed suit once they introduced those tasteful ones in one colour (and little ribbons and shit). He had a sweet tooth. Robert Smithson went to the merry art and Tonka toys for grownups. I guess that's why some graffiti toilets with branding on them look so tasteful. Julian Opie, he’s not at all do-it-yourself. John McCracken just does minimal shiny fuck ups. John Armleder, he had old bottle tops he called "suites." Like minimalism meets crappy MRI furniture. Richard Artschwager, case missing dude. Kippenberger, African stand-up, then corners and neon. Noland, SM banding queen. Charles Ray, yeah, you guessed it, he's of the modern-day crucifixions. Meyer Vaisman, not vegetarian if it gets any meat. Ashley Bickerton, you'll probably do some kind of road rage poster with 4th hand weird stuff. Fuck knows what we have done with Apple Mac. Rosemarie Trockel should team up with Christopher Wool or something like that. Francis Picabia was sshit like us. Jeff Koons, what a nice man, so kind of him to make those Care Bears a decent size for us all. Tony Cragg, well, he kind of did the nice guy bit by recycling all that waste and Ferragamo logo sets. Mike Bidlo, quite smart. If Warhol knew how to rip people off, I'm sure you'd just want it ripped off. Warhol, ha ha ha. McCollum built a camera shop. Ross Bleckner, into the valley of death rode the 10,000, or however many it was. Gary Hume knocked knocking on heaven's door. Robert Gober, hey, you got some old newspapers? He'll do some nice wallpaper with it. If you want any sinks fitted, Daniel Oates, Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat and a black & white cat. Christian Marclay will take Bowie, Diana Ross, Santana, Jim Morrison & Cat Stevens—rest in peace. Lisa Milroy, I can't forget those shoes or laminated Marcos. Alex Bag is certainly not a slag. Alex Baggett is certainly not a bald basketball. Simon Patterson is shagging Alex Cantona. Jack Pierson, the boy's got humor. The writing on the pill lit makes Collier Schorr look so poor. Andreas Serrano, old habits die hard. Peter Doig, those eyes. The KKK are scary. Janine Antoni makes home what sticks, and scribbling her makeup off your face. James Turrell, he puts all the good bits.